Gratitude Journals keep you shining
I am writing this, my first blog, sitting on an plane headed to Chicago to spend Memorial Day weekend with my best friend. In a way, it feels like going back to the place where my life began 10 years ago yet everything is so different. To start, I am older and would like to think wiser, I now like wine more than tequila, I’ve lived through the most profound and heartful moments of my entire life, I’ve been married to the love of my life and now divorced, I’ve seen more places in the world than I can count with my two hands, I now like country music probably more than electronic (debatable though) and yet… I am just me; a simple girl wanting to live it all to the fullest. What I have found through these 10 years is a profound sense of gratitude for all the big and small things and it is probably this sense of gratitude that has kept me going even when I thought I was dying inside, it is gratitude that has me on this plane while I claim to myself that this “going back” is the “new start” of my next chapter – because Gratitude has the power to cure and heal you, bring angels into your life and make the universe conspire in your favor.
13 years ago I was a young and single gal living in Lincoln Park and enjoying every block party that Chicago has to offer in the summer; it was me and my best friend and together we painted the town with every color ever possible with our laughs, wedding crashings, boating days, snow days and undergrown electronic parties. Her and I met in Grad school and she became my guide to the city and the door to so many amazing experiences. We would sip on tequila and I would tell her how I wanted to be a consultant traveling the world and how I wished to meet my prince charming. Fast forward 3 years later, I was off to work in a global consulting firm and began to travel the world. I remember that when I got that job, I was so excited and how I felt so much gratitude feeling like all my dreams were coming true. 3 years after that, I met the man who stole my heart – a tall, handsome, brown-eyed, super smart man that had me smitten in just the first date. Life couldn’t be any more perfect. The 10 years after that… well, it was all exactly as I had imagined… it was perfect. I tried to pinch myself many times because not only was I thriving in my consulting job but married this amazing human, we traveled the world (no exaggeration) … it was all so perfect. When it was all so perfect, that’s when I found daily gratitude. Actually, I found yoga and through yoga I found gratitude and I rode with gratitude through my perfect life.
One day, about 7 years ago, I read an article about a girl who had a gratitude jar where she deposited a short one sentence of something she was grateful for every day. I loved the idea and modified it to start writing a journal for the things I was grateful for every single day. There were days where my journal had things like “I am so grateful for the boat experience through Monaco” or “Thank you Universe for allowing me to experience a hike through the mountains outside of Hong Kong” - some major experiences – and some days where it was more like “Thank you God for the quiet nights watching TV” or “Thank you for that 5 mile run because now I feel alive” – some small but real things I was grateful for. I made it a habit to find something to be thankful for even if it was silly things. What I didn’t know is that I was preparing to save myself through the power of gratitude.
One gloomy February day, my husband said “I think we need to go our separate ways” and my world collapsed. I had never experienced more sadness in my entire life. I literally felt like I was dying (sometimes I still do); it’s been the most intense feelings I’ve ever experienced. I slowly stopped writing on my Gratitude journal every day and got into a more constant rhythm of crying and feeling like I was grieving the death of my own life and my best friend all at once. There wasn’t enough therapy or music that could cheer me up; I found myself in the saddest place I have ever been in.
One morning, as the tears were rolling down my face after yet another sleepless night, I realized that the pages of my journal had been empty for two weeks and I felt even more unlike myself. So… I picked up my journal and began to fill up the pages one day at a time. I began by writing about that previous day. I remember thinking “what am I going to write about, this is impossible.” But then I thought of how my job was still there and I was still thriving at it; So, I wrote about that. Then I remembered everything that happened the day before and wrote about my mom coming over with food ready for me to eat; so I wrote about that. The day before that I remembered that my best friend of all time from Chicago had called just to chat on the phone and get me to smile even when she knows I’m not a phone chatter; and I was so thankful for her perseverance in talking to me because it made me smile for the first time in weeks; so guess what… I wrote about that. About an hour later, I had filled up the blank pages of my diary and I felt a little more like my own self and in such a better light than I had felt for months.
Then, as I filled out the pages of my diary with the same consistency than I had for years, I began to realize that even when those days were still filled with teary eyes, sleepless nights, lack of appetite and even a sense of feeling like I wasn’t enough, I had something to be grateful for every day: My downtown condo, my amazing job that allows me to work from home 75% of the time, my yoga practice, the wonderful and badass women that have opened their arms to me, my 13+ year old friendship with my Chicago best friend, a good workout, a praise from my boss… something, I hung on to even the slightest of things and I would write about that. While I was still sad and feeling those feelings of grief, I felt in a much better place. Next thing I knew, I began not only searching for the things that would fill up the pages of my journal, but I began to search for future experiences that I would give me things to write about. And that… is how I am on this plane today; heading over to the place and the people that gave me so many smiles and so many amazing memories to carry for a lifetime feeling ready to start a new chapter of my life.
I am not just saying all this stuff because I just read a book about gratitude or heard some Ted Talk about the power of feeling grateful; I am writing this because I feel like the only way I could have gotten on this plane today was through findings the small moments in the darkest of days to lift myself up every day.
Only I could get myself out of my head, like most of us. No matter how many people told me that I was “a good catch” and “more than enough” and all those great adjectives people say when they are trying to describe how amazing you are; I would have never been able to listen if I didn’t feel like I was in a place to hear. You put yourself in that place to hear those messages; not anyone else. You are the one that has to dig yourself out of the hole because no one is going to dig harder than your own self when you feel like you have just died and are being buried alive. No one will feel the pain for you and no one will understand what needs to happen internally to you to get out of that dark space. But I promise you this, if you find at least one small thing every day to be grateful for, you will realize that even when you feel like the dirt is piled on to you, there’s a gift from the universe in every single day of your life. There’s a reason to thank the higher powers for your life, your job, the smile from the stranger, your students, your parents, the person practicing yoga next to you, the song on the radio that brings up so many emotions that allows you to cry with passion, the friends that have been there for so many years, the love of your siblings, the tears that others shed while seeing you in pain because those tears are showings of love…. THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING, but it’s up to you to find it… and when you find those things, even the saddest of days will be somewhat bearable.
When things are good, gratitude brings even more things to be grateful for. On the highest of days, seeking the small things on those super amazing days will humble you so that you can stay grounded and leveled. You will find that the big glamour of life is amazing, but the experiences are what matter the most. You will find yourself writing more about the moments of connection you experienced with people than the 5 star meal. When things are amazing, being grateful gives you the wings to continue to create experiences to be grateful for.
If I can summarize it in any one way, now that I have written gratitude journals for 6+ years on the highest and lowest of days, I can say that gratitude is like a high. It will lift you up, it will deliver you a better you, a more humble you, a more positive you, a more powerful you, a more dreamy you, a more compassionate you… it’s the best high of all.
So…. Today, I am grateful for this window seat, 25A, on this Spirit Airlines flight that is taking me back to Chicago. I am grateful for my friends that are now like true angels on earth, for the sunny weather that awaits me in this wonderful city, and I’m grateful even for the tears that have rolled down my cheeks writing this because it show me that I am alive and I am ready to share my wounds with the world so that others can heal. I am grateful because I am at the start of the New Chapter of my life and there’s 1 Million more experiences waiting to be lived to the fullest; just like I’ve been doing for the past 13+ years of my life.
